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March 19, 2012
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You will notice first, the bone jutting
from my meat, it is called teeth,
These are my lips;
This, like so, is called a smile.

And then there are the fabrications that I wear
The layers of silk, of wool,
of iron air
(indeed there is an air that I am not quite there)
- And feathers I have wrapped into my hair
And Afghan pearls, and finally

My hands, hare-fleet, and meeting
yours.
Comments and critiques requested and appreciated :)
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-04-17
A Meeting by ~rober2 ( Featured by wreckling )
:icondoodelay:
Doodelay Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2012  Student Writer
this is such a cool style ^^
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:iconaconitum-napellus:
Aconitum-Napellus Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2012  Professional Writer
First, I love this. I love that it's fleeting, describing a feeling incident, but that you go down so deeply into the physicality of it that we see the very substance of the human body. 'The bone jutting / from my meat' - this turns our view of a human being instantly on its head, rendering what we see as part of ourselves as something no different to an animal we would slaughter for food. We feel that we are an alien being introduced to a person for the first time, and you transmute the purely physical into something social, something that only has meaning once you understand what a smile is for.

'the fabrications that I wear' - a reminder of the meanings of the word 'fabric' - that it is not necessarily just a substance, but a construct, just as much as social interaction is a construct. The smile is formed on the face, the fabric is formed into clothes. I like the fact that the materials you mention are natural, sourced from animals, just like the 'meat' of the previous verse.

'iron air' - I don't know if I read the correct meaning into this or not, but it gives me a thought of blood inside meeting the air outside, connecting the person to the world around. The air is another layer about the body, and you have expanded the tight focus on the meat of a person to encompass the wider world. It also makes me think of one of those days where the air is cold and heavy and you can really feel it around you just as much as you feel cold iron against your hand.

'an air that I am not quite there' - love the rhyme inside this line, and the repetition of the word 'air' from the previous line, the rhyme with 'wear' drawing the stanza together. You work so well with repeating sounds all through this poem. If I picked out every instance I would be here all day - but I particularly like that the harder sounds of the first stanza have changed to far softer sounds in the second. I could spend a long time thinking of meanings for that line about not being quite there, but my first instinct is that having moved out from the blood and bone to the constructions of decorative cloth, the eye is dazzled into ceasing to see the human inside.

The 'feathers I have wrapped into my hair / And Afghan pearls' - I immediately think of something exotic, of that portrait of an Afghan girl on the cover of the National Geographic so long ago. There's something special about the term 'Afghan pearls' that brings in a vista of exotic possibilities. There seems to be a thread of something connected to anthropology through this (I use this term warily since I have a friend who has a PhD in the subject, and I am probably using it wrongly). The social construct of the smile, so intimately connected to the meat and bones of our being, the silk and wool and feathers and pearls that humans use to decorate their bodies, all sourced naturally from other creatures. Is it intentional that all these substances are sourced from animals rather than plants or man made?

The final stanza - 'My hands, hare-fleet, and meeting / yours' - I love the way you have finally drawn a real animal into the poem after the allusions to animal-sourced fabrics. There is a link to the meat and bone of the first stanza, the hare's teeth jutting from its jaw. There is an archaic feel to 'hare-fleet' - an animal that has largely been overshadowed by the rabbit, and the word 'fleet' that has largely dropped from our language in this context. It continues the feeling of the descriptions in the poem being linked to our deep past. And such a brief contact with the person being met. The whole poem is over in the blink of an eye. I like that you have put 'yours' on the final line, alone, separated from the deep description of the subject of the poem.

If I were to pick out any problems - the only thing I can see is 'the bone jutting / from my meat, it is called teeth' - I would be inclined to put '...meat. It is called...' But that's it - and that's only personal opinion. You can read things in a multitude of ways.

Thank you for writing this poem, and congratulations on the DD :-)
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:iconrober2:
rober2 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012  Professional Writer
Thank you very much for your comment, it is always a pleasure to see what people think of what I write. I am not sure I agree entirely with your interpretation, but I won't say that it's wrong either. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed the poem :)
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:iconaconitum-napellus:
Aconitum-Napellus Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012  Professional Writer
I enjoyed it very much, thank you :-)

I always used to be find it amusing, doing literary criticism, thinking what the writer may have thought of all the assertions about the meaning of their work. I know when I write things half the things people pick out are things I never thought about at all ;-)
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:iconthepaperbiscuit:
ThePaperBiscuit Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012
Afghan pearls made it all so real.
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:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012
Lovely rhymes. :) "Hare-fleet" is beautiful.
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:iconjonesey01:
jonesey01 Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Beautiful!! Keep up the good work!!!
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:iconjulieloveart:
julieloveart Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Professional General Artist
Very intriguing... working backwards.. or outwards from the body. I really like it, thanks for sharing!
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:iconlit-twitter:
Lit-Twitter Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012
Chirp, congrats on the DD, it's been twittered. :)
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:iconarchetypalthought:
ArchetypalThought Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Student Writer
This is excellent. The final verse is especially...taking.
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